So heres the thing y'all. God & I had a talk last night. Or rather, God talked & I listened. (Thats always best to do when God is talking)
It was late & I was laying in bed attempting to fall asleep. I usually let my mind wander a bit during this time & last night was no different. I was thinking about one thing completely different and somehow, through a tangent, I got to thinking about my being single. As in not dating. (As in never. Ever.) Many things come into my mind & if you are someone who has known me for a while then you know the ten sorts of foolishness as to why I probably havent dated in the past. Suddenly the very cliche & ever so worn out saying plays in my head.
"Someone cant love you unless you love yourself." Huh. Well, then. Do I? Im pretty sure that I dont.
Pretty sure? How can you be pretty sure that you dont love? I asked myself, how do you know that you love? So I get to thinking about the people I love & try to relate the feeling back to how I feel about myself. Nilch. Then I run through good old 1 Corinthians 13:4: Love is patient (Negative) Love is kind (Mostly Negative)...
and thats as far as I could remember...it was pushing 1am here.
It was about this time that tears started pouring down from my eyes. Buckets of them. It was bordering on Oprah's "ugly cry" y'all.
Those were His tears. Him crying over my not loving. I realized that & round two started...those tears were mine.
Why is it that I can love the precious children that He created so much that I pour my soul & care into them day after day, year after year? Why is it that I love the animals that He created so much that I dont dare take their life so I can eat? Why is it that I love the world around me that He created so much that I photograph it constantly?
But I cannot love His creation that is me.
And can I just take a moment to point out that I do not find it coincidence at all that this "revelation" (if we are calling it that) happened a mere month after I was baptized. This is an issue I have wrestled with for years. YEARS. And not until now has God shown me what I needed to see.
So what now, you ask? Yeah, I dont really know either, friends. I dont know how to love me, but I think that by starting at the root of it, seeing me as God's creation & priceless to Him might be a good launching point. All I know is that there is something big & heavy in my chest & I want it gone. Its been holding me down for too long & I want it out.
If that means chipping, if that means carving, if that means melting, I just dont know. Im going to find out.
Showing posts with label puzzle pieces. Show all posts
Showing posts with label puzzle pieces. Show all posts
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Look What I Discovered
I grew up thinking I wanted to be a teacher; as a senior in high school I volunteered in a kindergarten class as an elective...that changed my mind real quick. After a quick (3 year) stint in court reporting school, which is a whole other story in & of itself, I started working more full time while taking part time classes at the local community college until I decided what I wanted to major in. For the past 5 years my career has been working as a nanny. It was through my experiences with two families, one brief and one longer & more intense, that I finally stumbled upon, what I believe to be, what I want to do with the foreseeable future of my life. Occupational Therapy.
The first family I worked for on a short term basis consisted of BG twins born 3 months premature; when I came in to care for them they were 8 months old calendar, 5 months adjusted, Baby N weighed 18 pounds & Baby T weighed 12 pounds...soooo...small! Baby T also had a Colostomy bag. I clearly remember their OTs coming to the house & telling me what they were doing with the babies. I remember the parents giving me a packet of exercises that they do with the babies. And this I vividly recall, sitting & watching the OTs working with T&N (not knowing really what they were doing but still) thinking, "I really like this. THIS looks like something I would want to do. What is this? I could do this. I WANT to do this." 4 years later I understand who they were & what they were doing...Early Intervention OT.
The second family I worked for a year and a half and consisted of C, 7 at time of hire, and H, 4 at time of hire. From the VERY BEGINNING my Spidey-senses were picking up on ques that H was not a Typical child; from his intellect (very high), compulsions, complete FREAK OUTS over things like automatic toilet flushers or certain foods at dinner time...something wasnt right. When these events happened I would write it down, then go home to Google it & they all shot back the same results: Autism/Aspergers. In the year and a half I worked for the family ( who were lovely, wonderful, amazing, sweet & glorious people to work for) they NEVER ONCE said to me, "Stefani, H is on The Spectrum. This is what it means & this is what we need you to do for him." NEVER ONCE. I figured out what to do (through consulting his OT & ST) for him while I was with him for the things I needed him to accomplish during the day. It was through my Sensory Integration techniques that H expanded his diet from 3 dinner dishes to 8+, & enjoyed them!
There was a time in the beginning when I was very frustrated because I didnt know H's diagnosis, I was highly considering leaving the position, but I stuck with it because I found a groove that worked, through research/consultation found exercises & techniques that worked for H & me & soon our days glided along so smoothly. It was after this job that I was pretty much sure, OT was for me.
Fast forward a few years, one Intro class( & some postponing), here I am, almost done with my first year of the COTA program. This is what I want to do with my life,as far as I can see from standing here in my almost 24 year old shoes. Im excited to have finally found something that I enjoy, Im good at & fulfills one of my main goals in life; do good things for other people & leave a positive impact on the world.
The first family I worked for on a short term basis consisted of BG twins born 3 months premature; when I came in to care for them they were 8 months old calendar, 5 months adjusted, Baby N weighed 18 pounds & Baby T weighed 12 pounds...soooo...small! Baby T also had a Colostomy bag. I clearly remember their OTs coming to the house & telling me what they were doing with the babies. I remember the parents giving me a packet of exercises that they do with the babies. And this I vividly recall, sitting & watching the OTs working with T&N (not knowing really what they were doing but still) thinking, "I really like this. THIS looks like something I would want to do. What is this? I could do this. I WANT to do this." 4 years later I understand who they were & what they were doing...Early Intervention OT.
The second family I worked for a year and a half and consisted of C, 7 at time of hire, and H, 4 at time of hire. From the VERY BEGINNING my Spidey-senses were picking up on ques that H was not a Typical child; from his intellect (very high), compulsions, complete FREAK OUTS over things like automatic toilet flushers or certain foods at dinner time...something wasnt right. When these events happened I would write it down, then go home to Google it & they all shot back the same results: Autism/Aspergers. In the year and a half I worked for the family ( who were lovely, wonderful, amazing, sweet & glorious people to work for) they NEVER ONCE said to me, "Stefani, H is on The Spectrum. This is what it means & this is what we need you to do for him." NEVER ONCE. I figured out what to do (through consulting his OT & ST) for him while I was with him for the things I needed him to accomplish during the day. It was through my Sensory Integration techniques that H expanded his diet from 3 dinner dishes to 8+, & enjoyed them!
There was a time in the beginning when I was very frustrated because I didnt know H's diagnosis, I was highly considering leaving the position, but I stuck with it because I found a groove that worked, through research/consultation found exercises & techniques that worked for H & me & soon our days glided along so smoothly. It was after this job that I was pretty much sure, OT was for me.
Fast forward a few years, one Intro class( & some postponing), here I am, almost done with my first year of the COTA program. This is what I want to do with my life,as far as I can see from standing here in my almost 24 year old shoes. Im excited to have finally found something that I enjoy, Im good at & fulfills one of my main goals in life; do good things for other people & leave a positive impact on the world.
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