The In-Between Spot

I am currently in the middle of a job search.  One which, ideally, will result in another (new) nanny position, but I am also applying to the school district and other part time openings so as to not close any doors.  Just as it has crept up in other areas of my life, the pestering issue of where exactly in time/place/ & space I fit in has shown relevant to my job search this time around in a way it has not before.  Let me try to explain whats rumbling around in my head....
See now, I am 26 years old and have been nannying professionally and on a mostly full time basis for the last 8 years of my life.  Yes, that is a long time caring for children.  And like I was advising a fellow nanny the other day, there is something about this job that seems to just suck the time away.  Months turn into a year, one year into two and before you know it you're 26 years old and the mothers you are going to interview with are in your age bracket.  This is a job situation I do not want to put myself into. I had no problem working for young new moms when I was 19, but now that they are people I could've been in high school with it just does not sit well with me.  Is this stemming out of my own insecurities of my life situation?  Perhaps
....perhaps for so many years I thought that those families I am interviewing with would be me.  Me at 26, married with a little baby (though never looking for a nanny!) and though my view on life has made a complete change around from the way I used to think I suppose those old dreams are still buried deep in the back of my brain somewhere...or the bottom of my heart.
Another conflict I have run into is that I have so much experience.  I've been nannying longer than some of these parents have been parents.  In some cases I have more education and experience with what is going on.  While I try very hard to maintain  professional boundaries with parents it is difficult when, quite honestly, I know more then they do about their child.  And parents do not like that.
Ultimately the point of this post is this really.  I am a total In-betweener at the moment.  Stuck between student and professional.  Not young enough anymore to enjoy the carefreeness of being young but not in a position in life to have the true responsibilities that would elicit the title "adult".  Stuck between jobs, stuck between majors, stuck between desires of the heart.  Stuck, which means you can't move anywhere.
I never, ever thought this is what 26 would be for me.  I'm not saying that to suggest that its bad because its not.  I have a fairly good life I'd say.  Very onion like (if you are a Shrek fan then you will get that) but stable in that I trust myself and my decisions.  And I believe that as I sit here writing bits of this story now, in 10 years time, so much more of my story will have unfolded to show me that these days were just the preface.

Difference of a Year

A year flies past so quickly these days.  When I was younger, in grade school, I remember watching the minute hand on the clock as it passed incredibly slow.  It seems with age (and with it responsibilities and schedules) we almost loose those minutes that once lingered on.
I found this picture from a year ago of me and Gemma.  Taken mid-way through one of the worst years I've had, the affects of circumstances on my face and even in how I clung to my girl are easy to spot ( for me).   I noticed the date and realized it was exactly a year ago so snapped a new photo today.  As an afterthought I wish I had taken the shades off so I could capture my eyes, but I know without seeing them that they are worlds livelier.

June 19 2011~

 June 19 2012~

~Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure The Life
Of A Woman Or A Man
In Truth That She LearnedOr In Times That He Cried
In Bridges He Burned
Or The Way That She Died
Measure In Love
Seasons of Love.~
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/r/rent/#share

Lately...

Lately I've been addicted to:

*Vitamin Water Zero- It is water that is flavored and has added essential vitamins and nutrients (and Zero has no calories).  I realize its been on the market for years but somehow I just jumped on this bandwagon.  Hello 24 ounces of water a day!

*The show Long Island Medium- It's a total guilty pleasure, I know.  Especially when it is finals season and I should be devoting all of my free time to studying, ahem.  But every single episode gives me chills and makes me teary.  Love it!

*Luna Bars- I eat one every day.  Such yummy flavors and, again, filled with vitamins and nutrients.

*(Attempting) to wear better outfits-  I have tried to steer away from the tired exercise pants and band t-shirts and am actually putting an ounce or two of effort into assembling a look each day.  Which is hard because due to my changing weight many of my things don't fit well, but I make do.

*Post-its-Everywhere I'm postin' it.  But this isn't really a new addiction.

*Instagram- And capturing adorable pictures of my Gemmy Love using it.  I love the treatments you can do to your photos.  When I really sit and think about the technology that is taking place it baffles me.

*Staying on top of things- I am going to improve on this.  When I have tasks to be done they will get done in a timely fashion.  (Repeat until brain believes and implements)

My "Thing" For The Poppy Teens

So, I have a confession to make.  Approaching the downward slope of my 20's, I am still always flurried by the teeny, Disney, bubblegum pop stars.  (I'm pretty sure I will be one of those 40 year old moms at the concert dancing harder than her kids!) You know the ones I'm talking about.  There's the Beibs, oh man I do love me some Justin Bieber.  And the newer and ever increasingly popular One Direction.  I'm liking the sound of them and they are British, added bonus.  On the girl's side I simply adore Miss Taylor Swift.  How could anyone not?  She has talent and charm shooting out of her phalanges.  Her good friend Selena Gomez, also charismatic and talented to boot.  One lady who I have liked from her start and I have recently gained new respect and love for is Demi Lovato.  At 19 she has publicly battled an eating disorder, self-mutilation (cutting) and a host of other splinter problems that stem off of those two.  Her newest album, I feel, is beautiful.  For someone who has experienced some similar feelings I can just hear the emotion dripping from her voice in many of the songs.  It is so pure and genuine.  She seems to have a very strong motivation behind her healing, not only for herself but she wants to be a positive person for young girls to look up to.  I will be keeping my eyes and ears out for her...she is definitely one of my new favs :)

Demi Lovato's newest album "Unbroken":
http://www.amazon.com/Unbroken-Demi-Lovato/dp/B005EZJ3MW
An interview Demi did on the Ellen show:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jo9flkW0FFc

The Whirlpool Days

I've been meaning to write a post for weeks now.  It seems like every time I think of it the next time I am at the computer I have other things in my head and have forgotten.  Part of the problem is the "whirlpool" effect, the name I like to use for the pieces of time when I fall into my other me.  The one that just simply moves through the motions day by day.  The actual term for it is Dysthymia but, to me, it feels like you are swimming around in a circle and the whole time you know what you're doing and what you should do to get yourself out of the water but it's just so hard.  When your arms and legs are busy paddling in circles it is hard to maintain anything extra, it is hard enough to maintain the basics of your everyday life.  Things like paying bills, juggling work and school schedules, remembering tasks...for example blogging, fall away from you.  The days fall away from you.
I have struggled with this disorder for quite a few years now, you would think that by now I'd have found an effective strategy for bouncing out of it when it hits but I haven't.  Sometimes these "times", for lack of a better word, last a few weeks and sometimes it lasts months.  I have lost countless chunks of my life to this.  I always feel lighter and carefree as I come out of it.  Almost as if now I can conquer some things, as opposed to the feeling of worthless circular living I have just come out of.  I am beginning to become more proactive about overcoming it through cognitive techniques and other methods because as I enter into my career, where I will be dealing with patients recovering from injury or illness, I want to be at my healthiest for them.  I also fear for the farther future and how it will affect me as a mother.  I want to be able to give my children the best of me and not give them an unbalanced mother.
I'm sure that whoever I am is who God intended me to be and He gave me what He did for a purpose, maybe to be able to relate to patients better?  Or to be able to appreciate a simpler view on life; that knowledge is empowering but over analyzing and living in the past is dangerous and can weigh you down and make it harder to swim.  It is much more advantageous keep head facing forward, working for now and looking to tomorrow.
On a video blog I watch by a personal trainer I heard a great word of empowerment.  She said that whenever you start to play that story, whatever it is, going in the past or becoming negative on yourself, you need to say out loud, "I'm back."  That using this technique is going to bring you out of your internal drain and snap you back to the here and now.  Isn't that great?!  I've been using it for about a week and really makes an impact.  I have it written down on post its in my car and apartment.
I really wanted to write all of this down.  I know that none actually reads my blog so it is really just a journal for me but a small step of overcoming this is seeing to it that I do the things I say I am going to do so I needed to make sure to write this post tonight.

Leap Year

I said I was going to try to post once a week or so and it has been a few weeks since I have posted...I guess it is a good thing that I don't have any readers!  So today is Leap Year/Leap Day?...It's March 1st 2012 and I thought it would be a cool date to post on, since it only comes around once every four years and all.
Life has been the same, busybusybusybusy with school at night (and my extra online class and studying on the side for my algebra test) work during the day (Gemma is knees-deep in the Terrible 2's...everything people say about it is true) keeping time for friends (being a support for them with their drama issues stuff going on).  I'm also going through a weird sleeping pattern at the moment where I am mentally and physically exhausted all day, I even have to take a little nap sometimes during the day while the girls nap, my body is always fatigued but by the time I come home after class at night and get ready to sleep I lay awake and can't settle.  I've always had a hard time falling asleep but now I feel like I'm waking multiple times during the night also.  I'd estimate I'm getting about 5 hours a night.   All that with little things piled on top like the parking issue in my neighborhood is a nightmare or I am constantly forgetting to pay my bills on time (I bought a calendar to write the dates down in but then I forget to write the dates down) or my window levers keep breaking...ect.  Sometimes I feel like I just don't know how to manage life very well yet? (Which, I'm 25, so....time to wake up and get it!!)  I very literally had an emotional breakdown a few weeks ago, a panic attack if you will.  I just felt like there was no more room in my life for anything else.  The Inn is full!  So at this point I am attempting to earn a college education while trying to not go crazy at the same time.  I'll let you know if this is successful in the end.
But I want to stress that I am not complaining nor am I unhappy, Mother.....This is just where I am at right now in my life and these are my feelings that I am feeling and I need to vent them and if it is coming across as dramatic, well then, I suppose I just have a knack for drama.

Push, Jump

I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff and I don't want to be there; it's not because it's a bad place to be but because I'm afraid that once I jump, fall, I won't be in control anymore and I will get hurt.

This & That

My oven hasn't been working for a while and I don't have a microwave so cooking is a bit of a....situation so Maintenance is putting in a new range tomorrow!  Yip yippee :)
I've been starting to slowly build my professional wardrobe for fieldwork because I was looking in my closet one day and I realized that I had nothing to wear to my professional on site fieldwork and I didn't think the sites would take too well to me coming in wearing my Twilight fan T-shirts and yoga pants.
I've been without my iPod for a few weeks and I'm dying without it!
One week to Arrietty.  One month to Hunger Games.  Countdowns are so on.

Remember

~To the unforgettable nights with the friends you'll always remember~

Flashback

~From June 2010

Fly Away

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending she became a butterfly."

The beautiful thing about loving & living for God & His son are the promises that we have secured to us through His word. There is no need for fear of an end because we know that what is called death here on Earth is only the beginning for us in Heaven. It will be but a transformation, a shedding of the old to begin new.

Flashback

I've been re-reading through some of my old posts from 2010 and I'm a little blown away with myself (If I may toot my own horn).  I didn't realize the person I was then until looking back on it now.  For a while, at least, I'm going to rerun some of my favorite posts, for creative inspiration :)

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2010

Tears Of Exhaustion

Well, I did it! Ive returned home from working 5 straight days & let me tell you a little something.

Ive never been this exhausted IN MY LIFE. Y'all, my cuticles are sore (Im not kidding)

I GET IT now...all of it

& Yeah...my dreams of 5 children...well...
I guess you never know.

Unless you know.

& Then you do.

So now I get to relax, you know, until I have to go to work in the morning. I find it a bit ironic that I was at work because my boss' were on a vacation & now I need one.

PS-Just for the record, I LoveLove my kids. The fact that I may or may not have began to cry when their parents arrived home this evening bears absolutely no reflection on my love for them.

I was just so happy to see their parents.

So where have I been???

Yes, I took a bit of a blogging break. About a year and some change to be exact. After blogging every day for an entire year I think I shut my computer and went, "shewwww!" Not that I didn't love the blogging but it was time consuming. What I have found though is that it is very important to have a hobby/outlet/daily accountability. 2011 wasn't the smoothest of years and I think that without having my blog last year I fell off the accountability wagon a little bit, amongst other things, so I'm going to make it a habit again to post at least a few times a week.

This year is going to be super busy for me; it is my last year in school, I will be doing my professional fieldwork this fall and graduate in December! I'm still working full time during the day and while doing that and juggling school and a (semi-existent!) social life and my spiritual walk I'm really trying to remember to just live in the moment and take it day by day so I don't get overwhelmed or loose sight of the important things.